Hey there, friend,
One pattern I see over and over again in my practice is people pouring more and more of themselves into others—thinking, “If I can just do all the right things, be selfless enough, forgiving enough, mindful enough, then my relationships will finally be happy and healthy.”
But here’s the hard truth: sometimes, despite all your effort, you might notice that you’re not getting even the bare minimum in return. And because there was a time when things felt amazing—like the first time they really listened to you, laughed with you, or showed up for you in a way that felt life-changing—you stay, hoping that magic will come back. You know they are capable of showing up well. But right now, they just... aren't.
Maybe you tell yourself things like:
- “All relationships have struggles. They just need my support right now.”
- “Once their cup is full, they’ll finally meet my needs.”
And while it’s true that all relationships have challenges, if you’re trauma bonded, the “struggles” don’t ever seem to pass. Instead, they become the new normal. So you are left waiting for a change that will never come.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment to someone who is sporadically kind and loving—but also harmful, dismissive, or neglectful. Their love feels unpredictable, and that unpredictability keeps you hooked, much like an addiction.
Trauma bonds often start with love bombing, which can feel intoxicating:
- Compliments, gifts, attention, and affection pour in.
- You are seeing the best version of them—and in turn, you feel like the best version of yourself.
- There’s so much attention and validation coming your way that you may think, “I’ve finally found my soul mate.”
But then comes devaluation:
- Your feelings and needs start to be minimized.
- You might hear dismissive comments like, “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting” when you make a request to have your needs met.
- Instead of feeling supported, you end up carrying guilt and the responsibility to "fix it," even when it’s not your fault.
Finally, there’s the discard phase:
- Their attention shifts elsewhere.
- You feel abandoned, anxious, and desperate to bring back the magic of the love bombing stage.
- Sporadic moments of love and kindness keep you holding on—but the gaps between them grow longer. It’s like playing a slot machine. You find yourself hoping for the next payout, but you're also losing more often than you win.
Why People Pleasers Fall Into Trauma Bonds
People pleasers are especially vulnerable because:
- They’ve been conditioned to believe love must be earned through effort and self-sacrifice.
- They prioritize others’ needs over their own, thinking, “If I can just make them happy, everything will work out.”
- They tend to double down on pleasing when there's conflict. This looks like giving more, forgiving more, hoping for love and appreciation in return.
The result? You give more, get less, and because we become attached to who we are investing into, the bond strengthens. Sporadic reinforcement keeps you invested while your partner’s investment dwindles.
Signs You Might Be in a Trauma Bond
- Feeling the constant need to prove your love, loyalty, or worth.
- Ignoring your own needs to prioritize theirs, even when you’re exhausted or overwhelmed.
- Feeling anxious when they’re upset or unpredictable.
- Making excuses for their behavior: “They’re just stressed,” or “They didn’t mean it.”
- Feeling both terrified to stay and terrified to leave.
If any of this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. It just means you’ve probably been conditioned to believe that love looks like intense highs and lows—and that enduring hardship is what proves devotion. You believe the best in people! Which means you hold onto the hope that they will be who they once were yet again.
Breaking Free and Reclaiming Yourself
Healthy love is consistent, kind, and reciprocal. Not sporadic, dismissive, and degrading. You don’t need to abandon yourself to maintain a relationship. Your worth isn’t measured by how much you can endure—or how perfectly you can please others.
If you recognize trauma bonding in your life and are ready to break free, I can help you:
- Untangle the patterns keeping you stuck.
- Reclaim your self-worth and boundaries.
- Build relationships that feel safe, balanced, and mutually fulfilling.
You are worthy of love, consistency, and reciprocation. Let’s work together to make that your reality.
👉 Book your free clarity call today, and let’s explore how coaching can help you create relationships that honor your needs and your heart: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
With love and support,
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